Navigating Grief Around Valentine's Day
2 minute read
The beginning of the year can feel like a natural opportunity to start decluttering and organising in the home, but for some it can be a tricky time. Those who have experienced loss may find that key personal dates have specific tenderness and so they need to go easy on themselves. Embedded cultural dates, such as Valentine's Day, can have the same effect, yet it can be hard to avoid them. APDO member Emma Gray helps us understand the impact key dates can have on our grief and suggests ways to navigate these seasons alongside our individual needs.
Almost as soon as Christmas is over the shops seem to get decked out with Easter eggs and endless Valentine’s cards, but for many people these are overt reminders of romantic love and family times which highlight what is missing from their lives. Whether they are missing a special someone in their life or they have been bereaved, February can bring specific organising problems, such as struggles around a late partner’s things, cards, photos and wedding items.
Although many people start each year with fantastic resolutions and goals, there’s a lesson we can learn from nature… which is to hibernate and look after ourselves in these dark and wet days. Although we might know what we feel we “should” do, we may not have the energy at this time of year. The fact is that we all need seasons of life where we rest and recover, especially if we’ve been through the trauma of the loss of a loved one.
Key dates in the year can be tough at the best of times, but a problem with Valentine’s Day is that it’s culturally unavoidable when social media, emails and shops go all out on the red hearts. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or your tenth year alone, the emphasis on couples spending quality time together can highlight what’s missing at home. So, even if you did set goals at the beginning of January, you may suddenly feel overwhelmed. This is not about laziness: it’s your body and mind saying that they need to rest.
So, it may be that this February a decluttering or organising goal needs to be set aside for now, tweaked to make it easier, or broken down into smaller and more achievable steps. If you are struggling to know how to do this, APDO members know how to pace the organising and decluttering. They are experts in understanding the fine line between pushing through to get something done and compassionately hitting pause so emotions can be processed, or perhaps treading a balance between the two. It isn’t possible to “organise the grief away”. Unfortunately, the only way to process grief is to feel it… in a safe and supported way.
However, this concept of stepping back as self-love might not suit everyone. Whilst some people may find key dates too much and will want and need to step away and rebalance, others may find purpose from getting really stuck into a project and ploughing through till the end. People often forget that organising and decluttering can be an act of love itself. Perhaps it’s self-love, because it gets a job off the to-do list and brings some peace to an otherwise chaotic mind. Or perhaps it’s an act of love to others, because it sorts things out and creates neat lists and instructions so that they can find their way around your paperwork and belongings.
Whatever you feel about grief and decluttering around Valentine’s Day, it’s helpful to understand why you want to do the decluttering and organising, and then to give yourself permission to do it your way and at your pace. As someone who loves rainbows, which need both the rain and sun to see the colourful arch, I’m a big believer that every storm eventually passes. This Valentine’s Day, if you are struggling… please remember three things:
- Every storm eventually passes;
- If you’re doing something hard, double up on the self-care to help you through it;
- The bravest thing you can do is ask for help, and APDO members are experts and can help you to organise and declutter. Find your professional organiser here.